A wise lady once told me that when you lose a baby it is not just the baby you lose but also the lifetime of that child that you miss out on. This thought has stayed in my memory as it is so true. Sometimes I don’t know if I mourn for my baby or for all the times we could have shared together but will never get the chance to.
I lost my little baby boy over two years ago and at the time I never thought I would feel like I do now. I still have bad days but they have lessened as time has passed. I will never forget about my lost child but the feelings get easier to deal with. Some people turn to religion or try to find answers in other places, but what would make anyone who has suffered a pregnancy loss life easier is for people to think before they speak. I understand that if a person has not been through a similar type of loss then it is hard to understand that there are some things that are unhelpful for a couple dealing with loss.
With the help of some friends who have suffered the loss of a baby, I have put this together for all those people who don’t know what to do and to remind you of the comments that don’t help.
What NOT to say and do:
"You were only a little bit pregnant" - It does not matter whether 6 weeks or 6 months it was still a very much wanted and loved child.
"It was for the best" - Right now I can not see any reason good enough to explain why I have lost my much loved child.
"Time will heal" - I am having a big enough problem dealing with today and I am not ready to face tomorrow yet.
"Don’t worry you can get pregnant again" - If I have had fertility treatment this may not be such an easy option. I don’t really want ‘another’ baby I want my baby back.
"Get over it" or" Shouldn't you be over it by now" - A grieving person who has lost a baby never gets over it. In time they learn to deal with the loss but there is no time limit when dealing with grief - it is a process which a person needs to work through in their own way and time.
"Are you better yet" - It is not the flu or any illness, and I need you to realise that.
"At least you were pregnant" - I know I can get pregnant and I am glad for the short weeks I had but that does not change the fact that I miss my child.
"At least you were able to get rid of it before it was born" - If a parent has chosen to have a termination for medical reasons such as a major problem with the baby’s development, then they will have gone through a lot of soul searching and made a heartbreaking decision. They probably would have given anything for that baby to live but instead they made the hardest decision in the world. There is often an element of guilt over the decision to terminate but the parents were acting in the best interests of the child.
"At least you didn’t get to know it" - Sometimes not knowing your child is the worse part. Not knowing what they look like nor having memories to get through the darkest times.
What to DO and say:
Do talk to and acknowledge the family/parents. I found I was walking down the street and people would cross over just to avoid talking to me. When I needed my friends they ‘did not know what to say’. It would have been a comfort for them to come up and just say hello.
Remember the dad’s - they have lost a child too. People always talk to and comfort the baby’s mother but remember that the father feels the same emotions as the mother. Men do deal with things in their own way but they still have to deal with them
Make a point of remembering their loss, but take your cue from the grief stricken party (do they want to talk about it?). The bereaved parents may talk about it in their own time. Yes, it is good to talk about things but depending on situation, circumstances, religion and a number of other things they may feel they are unable to talk about it. However, on the other hand never discourage a person from talking about their feelings. The couple don’t want sympathy or pity they want support and to know that they child is recognised as a child.
Be gentle with the couple when special dates arrive. Mothers day, Father’s day, estimated due dates, birthdays and Christmas are all dates when they should have been celebrating and they are not. These are all hard day to deal with. They are a reminder off what should have been.
Remember, people deal with loss in different ways and that is not always dealt with at the time of the loss. It is quite common for the father to feel he has to be strong and provide support for the mother, meaning they may bottle up their emotions until a time when things have settled down. They may then start to mourn which can seem odd to others so they often do not get the support they need at this time.
Whether a person losing a baby by miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, termination for foetal abnormality, premature labour, still born or any other reason they have still lost a baby. As soon as they found out about their pregnancy they were so excited about pregnancy, birth and the years after. With this comes a lot of different emotions, guilt, anger, upset, denial, desperation, and depression and hopefully in the end a sense of acceptance in a situation you cannot change.
As time goes by, another year, another birthday and you start to wonder what your child would have looked like, would he have been tall or short, smart or a hand full? These questions will never be answered, I will never get to hug him, kiss him goodnight, wipe his tears away or see him all dressed up on his first day of school. No child will take his place and if I am ever luckily enough to become a mum he will always be the one that I lost. People don’t understand why I talk about our baby as if he was still here; this just proves to me that the child was real.
Remember the child, he or she was a baby and conceived in love between two people. If that child was still living you would remember him so why should a baby who is not here be forgotten? I am a parent to an angel.
I hope this has been some help to you, whether you are dealing with a loss or have a close friend or relative who is bereaved. I know if my nearest and dearest followed these steps my grief would have been just that little bit easier to deal with.
